Whew.

Good thing I'm not a hand model (you know one of those people who get close-up pictures taken of her hands showing off different products).

"What?" you wonder, "But chocolate milk girl, you have such lovely model-like hands--they are always so perfectly manicured and moisturized! How can you say you shouldn't be a hand model?"

BECAUSE I AM CLUMSY. I have a very painful, very ugly little scratch on my right knuckle. I know it is from this morning becuase of the blood, but other than that I have no recollection whatsoever of how I got it. None. And I have one on my left hand from last week--same situation. How does one tear the tender skin on her precious hands so consistently and not notice? How?

Although I guess if I were a hand model I could invest in one (two?) of those bubble things that goes over you hand so that nothing can harm it. It would be pretty hard to type though.

What is this 'toner' you speak of?

Me: "Hello, American Awesome Products*."

Customer: "Hi, I need some toner for my Lexmark 9000 blah blah printer."

Me: "Ok, what's the product number."

Customer: "I don't know. It's for a Lexmark blah blah blah..."

Me: "Do you have the old toner? It should say on the old cartridge what the number is."

Customer: "I don't have it with me, but it's the toner for a Lexmark blah blah blah...It's black ink"

I am not a printer/fax machine/copy machine expert! Nor is this a store that sells those things. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TYPE OF TONER YOUR MACHINE NEEDS!!!!!!!

no.idea.what.so.ever

Look it up on the internets--that's what they are for.

whew, glad I got that off my chest.

*this is not the real name of my company

How did you like it?

All the best blogs have a rating system. Therefore, I realize that my blog desperately needs a rating system. Otherwise my blog will feel left out, just like the 8th graders who don't have cell phones, ipods, AND digital camaras. My blog must have the best advantages, for the internets can be so cruel.

My rating will be (of course) in terms of chocolate milk. The best rated items will not only get more chocolate milk, but their chocolate milk will be of a higher quality.

Ratings are as follows, from best to worst:

5 /5 = a glass of delicious chocolate milk--the kind that comes pre-made and you don't have to stir or shake--and a pudding pop (so good you must be in heaven).

4 /5 = a glass of Nestle's Qwik (very very satisfying).

3/5 = a glass of Hershey's syrup mixed with milk (not great, but not complaining).

2/5 = a glass of chocolate slim fast (not that good, but with some redeeming value).

1/5 = a glass of milk with not enough chocolate mixed in (lame).

0/5 = no chocolate milk, but in fact the Gallon Challenge (makes me want to throw things, or throw up).

This is disturbing:

Good news: I am smelling my favorite cologne, the one that makes me go weak at the knees.

Bad news: My office manager is the one wearing it.

Looking Back...

My brother Doug is ten years older than I am. That means that he was 15/16 when my sister and I were four and six--when the problems started. We used to cry when Mom and Dad would leave, "Please please don't leave us with him!" Why did we dread him babysitting so much? Mostly because he made us clean our room while he watched tv. Very unfair. I remember that we made up a game called "Counting Cars" in which we would sit in front of the window and keep track of all the cars that went by until our parents came home. Rather pathetic actually. In retrospect, we probably annoyed the crap out of him. Actually, I have pretty solid evidence of this. Whenever we had a formal dinner for a birthday party or holiday--basically whenever we had guests and ate in the dining room--I would make placecards for where everyone was supposed to sit. Now, for some reason I thought that the funniest possible joke in the world was to write "Dog" instead of "Doug" and pretend it was a mistake--every time. The thing is, I remember doing this one time and having to look up how to spell dog. I also remember lots of weekends where Doug tried to sleep in while we endeavored to make that impossible. We practically begged for the opportunity to wake him up if Mom or Dad needed him for something. It was delightfully terrifying to sneak in and jump on the beast in the bed--you had to be quick--maximum annoyance in minimum time. You couldn't give him enough time to yell or retaliate--he was twice our size after all.

He likes us now, mostly.

Stereotyping is fun!

There is a person in my grad school program who has been wearing a cloak/cape every time I have seen him. It is, of course, black. He also has long long thin hair that he wears ponytailed in in back, and a large crucifix worn over his cape. Also, he has a long goatee, but the kind that starts as sideburns and grows all the way down the chin on either side, but never meets in the middle. He described himself in one class (as reported to me by my library school friend, Amanda) as a "computer guru," and in last night's class shared that he frequently has to assure people that he is neither a monk nor a priest. He talks in that extremely precise nerdy way that you expect to hear from computer programmers/comic book obsessers--somehow an abnormally large amount of words have a 'sch' sound. Almost a lisp, but it's learned. I'm sure he owns either 1.) a broadstaff 2.) a broadsword, or 3.) a +20 cloak of fire.

2006: Now with More Resolution

To prevent my blog from becoming too vapid, pointless, shallow, or silly* I have decided to dedicate this Tuesday's post to New Year's Resolutions. I will use this blog to better myself by keeping myself accountable to my New Year's Resolutions.

Last Year's Resolution: Wear more Black eyeliner

2005 update: I did very well at the beginning, but wussed out as spring waned. Towards June I peaked, with heavy usage through July and August. Toned back again in September due to work. This will not do.

This Year's Resolution: Appear friendly in public

also: Continue wearing lots of black eyeliner.

also: more happy hour

2006 two-week update: First off, I need to buy black eyeliner. "Plum" just doesn't get the same effect, although it does enhance my natural eye color.

Last night I went to the Spyhouse for hot chocolate (also delicious) and to do homework for grad school. I was not friendly, and I know for a fact that I had my mean face on. I can't help it!

there have been no happy hours

I'm failing at 2006

*this is a lie. I like my blog those ways.

Christmas Loot

Best Christmas Gifts:

Season 1 and 2 of Arrested Development!!!! Hurrah!

FM Transmitter for my ipod!! Thank you Santa! (but I was serious about that whole immune system thing)

Bubble Tape! For the Bubble Tape Challenge!*

Worst Christmas Gifts:

A scarf that looks like someone skinned Grover from Sesame Street! Clashes fabulously with every coat or jacket I own! I think I forgot it at my parent's house...

Scariest Christmas Presents:

THIS from my dear brother Nathan. This gift inspired the most laughter as I was delighted with what I thought it was, but when I realized what it actually was, my face fell and my shoulders slumped, and I just said "oh." in a small voice. He considered it a victory.

A meat/candy thermometer circa 1962 from my Grandmother. It was new! About forty years ago! Note: not the strangest gift I have ever received from my 91 year old grammie, but it's definitely up there.

Lip Gloss Related Christmas Presents (aka: feeding my addictions)

Well, I didn't receive any Martian Mallow, but the holiday wasn't a loss as far as lip gloss goes.


I received the Philosophy "A Few Good Men" Lip gloss trio. This stuff is amazing. And it smell delicious. And it tastes delicious. Mmm...delicious lip gloss....

I also received (from myself) a Cherry Vanilla flavored "Sweet Talk" from my favorite store. It is rather disgustingly flavored. It smells like Robitussin when you first put it on...or maybe I'm just sensitive due to all of the Robitussin I drank during my last lengthy illness. It tastes good though, and smells good after the initial application. I should have chosen the Peach flavor. I'm glad I only paid $1.99 instead of the regular cost of $7.

Yes, I will continue doing lip gloss reviews on my blog. If you don't like it, don't read it. Some of us care about things in this world, you heartless bastard.

*Bubble Tape Challenge

Have you ever wondered if it were possible to get an entire container of Bubble Tape into your mouth at once? Well, I have. It was Thanksgiving weekend and my sister and I bought Bubble Tape for the long car ride. After spending nearly three hours chewing, our jaws hurt, our teeth were coated with sugar, but we didn't stop. Oh no, there's six feet of goodness in every container. We were discissing the general merits and failings of Bubble Tape, when we wondered what would happen if you tried to chew the whole container at once. We vowed to try it.

And we did.

All I can say is that it is something that can only be experienced, not described. I think my Dad nearly wet himself (because of course we did this on Christmas Eve in front of the whole family).

Try it, you'll like it. Or, persuade some friends to try it. It will be the funniest thing you will do or see all year...I swear (by the moon and the stars in the sky. Yes, I swear).

Problem Solved!

"Recent studies reported in real-life medical journals indicate that there is no such thing as a stressful life event--only stressful thoughts about life events. Therefore, if something upsets you or makes you nervous, stressed, or freaked out in any way, just don't think about it. The way to eliminate stress from your life is simply to stop thinking. Hurray! One less thing to do."

Remember, during these troubled times...

Keep Kris in Xmas